To lose my life
by Bee88
Summary: Set after the 7th episode. Elena is shocked by Lexi's death and Stefan finds himself struggling with the loss of his best friend. Can they find a way to help each other or will this drive them even further apart? Sorry I suck at summaries
1. Chapter 1

**Ok so this is my very first Vampire Diaries fanfiction :)  
It is set after the 8th episode. I hope you'll all like it!! Please review so I'll know if someone's reading this! ;)**

„Talk to me Stefan!!", she yelled.

He shock his head. "No Elena, I can't.. I have to go. You were right to stay away from me!", he said firmly but with a pained look on his face. With that he shook away her hand and started to walk away.

She knew she couldn't convince him to stay with her. Not tonight.

An hour later Elena was lying on her bed with her pajamas on, but she was far from being asleep. Whenever she closed her eyes, she saw Lexi right in front of her. She saw her alive, happily joking with Stefan and in the next moment she saw her shocked look when Damon drove the stake through her heart. How was she ever going to lose all these dramatic pictures in her head? Once again she wished she could forget about it all. But that would mean that she had to forget about Stefan too, and she wasn't sure if she could live without him in her life anymore.

She sat up and grabbed her journal.

"_I've already lost my parents this year and now Vicky is dead too, we weren't really close friends, but she was still a person I knew from 1__st__ grade and she was in a relationship with my brother. And now she's gone. I still can't believe that. And tonight another innocent person had to die. Stefan said to me earlier today "everywhere I go, pain and death follow", but I think he might've been wrong, these things seem to follow me. I feel so lost. Especially since there's no one I can talk to, not even Bonnie, from which I've never had secrets. And I hate not being able to talk to her. _

_I wish Stefan was here, I wish he could hold me in his __strong arms and protect me from the world outside my window._

_But can I really, fully trust him? He isn't even a human being. He is a – no I can't write this done. It sounds sooo unreal. _

_He has never harmed me, that's true, but I still think that there's something about him that I don't know. There are still so many secrets". I just feel so alone. _

_~***~_

A few hours later Stefan was sitting in his room, Damon was gone since Stefan had gotten into that huge fight with him. He had told Elena that he'd kill Damon, but the truth was, that he'd probably never be able to do that, no matter what cruel thing Damon might do, he was still his brother. And unlike him he couldn't kill a person on purpose.

He got up from his chair and walked towards the window. It was still dark outside, there was no sign of sunrise yet. He was thirsty, he needed blood. There was still the canned blood which Lexi had brought here. Lexi._ "She is dead. She is really gone. After 300 years she is really gone". _He still felt the rage inside of him when he thought about the way she had had to die, but more than this, he now began to feel the grief. The grief of losing her. The grief of having lost his very best friend. She had shown him how to handle this life, she had shown him the fun, the good things about being a vampire. With her, he had never needed to pretend to be someone he was not.

He let out a sigh. And now he was alone. For a few moments he thought about leaving everything behind, he considered to drink the blood Lexi had left behind, and then he'd leave this place and perhaps some human would come along his way and then.... No that wasn't how he had chosen to live. Even now he didn't allow himself to be like this.

He needed to get some fresh air, he couldn't stand being in this room any longer.

Once he was outside he started running. He ran so fast, that human eyes wouldn't have seen more than a flash passing them by. He didn't care about the direction he was heading to. All he felt was the wind on his face and the soft soil beneath his feet. After a while he stopped running. Normally a vampire didn't become exhausted, but the animal blood that Stefan was drinking didn't make him as strong as normal vampires. He stopped in front of a huge, old tree. Now that he'd stopped running all the thoughts he didn't want to think about started resurfacing. He felt the rage building up inside of him again. With one fast movement he punched his right fist into the tree. It got stuck after half an arm's length. He continued punching into that tree before he silently collapsed onto the forest floor. The first tears started streaming down his face. With surprise he brushed over his cheek and found some wet liquid on his hand. He couldn't remember how long it had been since the last time he had cried. Has he even cried after he had become a vampire? Oh yes he had. Right after he'd lost Katherine.

He didn't want to think about his pain anymore. He lay down on the ground and closed his eyes. Then he waited until sleep overcome him.

~***~

**So what do you think?? ;-)**


	2. Chapter 2

It was Monday morning. Elena's alarm clock rang at 7 am. Dozily she switched it off and lay down again. She had no idea when she'd finally fallen asleep. It must have been very late, since she felt dead tired.

She arrived at school just in time before the bell rang. She quickly sat down in her chair and threw a quick look through her class. No, Stefan wasn't here. But there was Bonnie, sitting two tables away from her. They smiled at each other, but before they could start a conversation their English teacher had arrived.

"Hey Bonnie", Elena caught up with her in the hallway. "Hi Elena. How are you?", she asked with a serious voice while she gave her a hug. As always, she immediately felt what was going on inside of Elena.

"I don't know. I'm worried about Stefan...", Elena started.

"Oh right he wasn't in class today"

"It's not only that.", she wanted to explain everything to Bonnie, but how could she do that, when she had to be careful about every word?

"You know there was this party yesterday at the Grill and it was Stefan's Birthday and a friend of him, Lexi, visited him and then.. well I think she got ... arrested, and it was pretty much Damon's fault, and then Stefan was so mad at his brother and I think they might've gotten into a huge fight..."

Bonnie almost started to laugh. "You are worried because he's mad at his brother? Come on Elena, what could possibly happen to him?",

Elena tried to smile at that. A lot could happen when two vampires got mad at each other, but Bonnie didn't know anything about that.

"You are possibly right",

"As always", Bonnie replied smiling.

"Why don't you leave him a text and ask him if everything is ok?",

"Yeah I think I'll do that. So how was your weekend at Grams?", Elena asked with a grin.

Now it was Bonnie who was hesitant with her answer.

"Well it um... was sort of weird."

Before Elena could ask her another question the bell rang and they both had to go to different classes.

* * *

After two more hours of boring English and History lessons the school day was finally over.

While Elena was walking out of class she rummaged in her bag until she found her mobile phone. She had texted him twice in the last two hours.

But still, there was no answer from Stefan. _"What's going on?" _She felt the edginess inside of her grow stronger and stronger. She needed to do something.

A few minutes later she found herself driving to the Salvatore Mansion. It was already 5 pm and twilight started to set in. She got out of her truck and slowly walked towards the house. There was no sound and no light in the windows. She was anxious.

_"What if he's really hurt? Or even worse.."_ she didn't allow herself to finish this thought. No there must be an explaination for why he hadn't been to school today. Hesitantly she stroke the doorbell. It echoded loudly in the otherwise silent house. _"Come on, please be here. I need to know that everything's okay."_

But no one opened the door. She wanted to knock on the door when she noticed that it wasn't locked. Elena entered the house slowly.

"Stefan are you here?" here voice was shacking.

The hallway was gloomy and vacant. Elena walked into the living room, but it looked abandoned, too. She decided to leave Stefan a note, so that in case he might return from his mysterious absence he'd know that she had been here, looking for him. She turned around to head for the kitchen where she knew they kept some notepads when she suddenly bumped into someone.

"Elena what are You doing here?", it was Sheriff Forbes. She looked surprised and a bit resentful that she found Elena here, and not the person that she'd been looking for.

"Oh hello Mrs. Forbes! I was looking for Stefan and the door was open so I was checking to see whether he's here or not".

"Ah I see.", her face relaxed a little. "Do you know where I can find Damon Salvatore. I wanted to talk to him about something".

"I'm sorry but I don't know where he is".

"Mhm that's strange. Seems like this is a blackhole, first Zach leaves town without a word and now Damon is gone too", she said jokingly.

Elena shivered at the hearing of Zachs name. Another dead person.

"Well since no one is here we should just leave and come back another time, right?", with that Forbes put an arm on Elena's back to guide her to the door. After they had left the Mansion and Elena was back on her way home she realised that she had forgotten to leave Stefan a note.

~***~

Without a sound he jumped up to his window and into his room.

He had just drank the blood of some deers and he felt his energy return. The house was silent. He wondered where Damon was. _"Seems like this town holds no interest for him as soon as I'm not here anymore. When he has no one he can torture"._ Furiously he threw some books off his desk.

After his night in the woods his clothes werer covered with dirt and he really needed a shower. He rushed through the living room when something suddenly caught his eye. It was the blood from Lexi. He needed to throw it away, he couldn't stare at it all the time without an increasing desire to taste it. He grabbed the box and wanted to put it into his garbage can when he noticed that one of the blood conserves had a small crack. He could smell the blood now. It smelled so good. A hundred times better than any deer or rabbit or squirrel.

_"Just one small sip won't be so bad". _

He was about to start drinking when he suddenly heard his mobile phone buzz on the coffee table. For a moment he wasn't sure whether he should simply ignore the stupid phone and drink all the blood or if he should answer it. Perhaps it was Elena. Suddenly his phone stopped ringing.

_"Decision made"_

_._

He passed the blood conserve to his lips. The pure odor of the blood made his head spin and his body ache for more. _"Oh god how I missed this"._

In the next moment his voicemail resounded. "Stefan could you please answer one of my messages. Where are you? I know you want me to stay away from you but... anyway just give me a sign". The message had ended and it was all silent again.

With one swift movement he was out of his house and the blood was in his garbage can.

A few seconds later he was back in his front room. He had to grin at himself. _"Elena's voice is stronger than my desire for human blood. How can that be?"_

He now noticed that she had sounded very upset and also deeply worried about him. Did she really care so much about him? It had been her, who had pushed him away, not the other way round, so why was she calling him? Perhaps Lexi had been right. Elena was scared of everything that Stefan was, but she couldn't deny his feelings for him, no matter how hard she tried.

This thought made him smile for a moment.

~***~

Elena sat down on her windowsill and started writing into her diary.

_"Who does he think he is? I've texted him 3 times today and called him twice, I even left a message on his voicemail. But there's not a single beep coming from him. At first I was really worried but now I'm becoming more and more angry at him. It's not that difficult to write a small message "I'm okay". _

She paused for a moment.

_Not even a whole day has passed since I saw him the last time but I already miss him. I perhaps shouldn't care so much about him. Though he has never done me any harm, he IS dangerous. I know that, but still I need him in my life now!_

She got up and decided to make herself some dinner, all this sitting around and brooding about him didn't really help her.

Elena was down in the kitchen preparing some spaghetti when she heard Jenna talking to someone on the door.

"Elena it's Stefan", she shouted.

.

**My 2nd chapter:) So what do u guys think about it? Do you like it?? Pleeeaaase leave me a review!!! :D I'll try to update soon, but I think it won't happen before Sunday, sorry!!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed or added this story to their story alert / favorites!! It means a lot to me!  
I'm really sorry it me so long to update, but I think I had some sort of a writer's block. I tried to write, but I didn't really like any of it^^  
I'm still not fully satisfied with this chapter, but I hope you'll enjoy reading it anyway!!!**

**

* * *

  
**

"She's in the kitchen", Jenna said, "You know the way, I gotta leave now".  
"Thank you Jenna. Have a nice evening".

It was his voice!  
He was here. He really was OK.

A moment later she saw him coming into the kitchen. He had a small, almost shy smile on his lips.  
For a moment none of them said a word. She noticed his messy hair and that he looked almost vulnerable.  
She had never seen him like this before. _He lost his best friend two days ago, what do I expect?  
_

He was the first to speak."Hi Elena. I um, got your message on my voice mail. I'm sorry I didn't answer your texts, but I was away and had left my phone at home".

She had been angry with him, but now that she saw his apologetic expression and the sadness that was there in his eyes, she forgot all about it.  
"Stefan, hey", she stopped stirring the pot with the spaghetti and took a few steps towards him. "It's good to see you. Where have you been?"  
His thoughts drifted off to his day in the forest and to him almost tasting human blood again.  
"Just hanging here and there, I had to clear my head".  
"How are you doing?"  
He forced himself a smile. "I'm fine. Don't worry".  
But Elena felt that he wasn't telling her the truth.  
"You don't have to spare my feelings. You can't be fine when you've lost your best friend to days ago".  
At the mentioning of Lexi he felt tears coming again, but he used all his force to hide them from Elena, he didn't want her to see him sad, while she was struggling with so much more.  
He needed to be strong for her, not the other way round.  
"It's okay, really".  
But the glitter of tears in his eyes gave him away. Before she could think of something to say Elena simply put her arms around him and pulled him towards her body.  
He felt his strength cracking in. It was their first close physical contact since she had found out that he was a vampire.  
He gently returned her hug.

She was so close to him, she knew that technically he could kill her easily, but right now she pushed away these thoughts. Right now she just wanted to comfort him.  
"I'm so sorry about your loss. And I really mean it, I mean I of all people know what it feels like and..." her voice broke off.  
For another moment they just remained silent.

"Thank you Elena", he slowly released her from his hug. With his remarkable senses he could feel that underneath her warm hug she was tensed up.  
She was still scared of what he really was.  
"I think you should check your spaghetti, they must be done by now", he said to distract her.  
"Oh no no no, I think I can throw them all away now", she exclaimed while she decanted the pasta into a sieve.  
"Now I ruined your dinner. I'm really sorry.  
Look, I think I'd better go now, I just wanted to come and tell you in person that I'm fine".  
"Oh you don't have to go yet", Elena said and was surprised at herself for having said that out loud.  
"I don't know if that's such a good idea. I don't wanna bother you or anything", he said seriously.  
"It's not like I'm going anywhere tonight, so why don't you stay and we could watch a movie or something", she didn't want him to be gone.  
He looked like he really needed a friend now, she didn't want him to be all alone in the big house. And maybe she needed him too.  
He looked deep into her eyes and then nodded.  
"Okay but let me help you with the food?!",

They decided to give the spaghetti another try. Elena was cutting some tomatoes for the sauce while Stefan put the pasta into the boiling water.  
"I never saw you eat any human food. Can you eat it? I mean does it taste any good? You know I've read twilight and there the vampires say that food tastes like dirt to them".  
"Twilight's just a book you know", he said amused, "and for us human food just tastes the way it does for you. Thank God, I couldn't live without pasta or the delicious dunkin' donuts".  
Now Elena had to laugh too. "So you enjoy our food?".  
"Absolutely. But we don't need to eat, so maybe that's why you haven't seen me eat anything yet. But that's gonna change in the next hour", he said with a wink.

They sat down at the table and Stefan gave them both a serving of the pasta. She watched him as he took a spoonful to his mouth.  
He ate the spaghetti without grimacing. "It's nothing special, you know", he told her with a grin when he noticed her staring.  
She felt her cheeks flush. "I'm sorry for staring",  
"You don't have to be", he definitely wasn't angry. He was too happy to be with Elena.  
He gave her a warm smile and they continued eating.

"Can I ask you something?", Elena said after they had just finished eating.  
"Sure, what do want to know",  
"It's about Damon.... you know you said you were going to..",  
He immediately grasped what she was thinking about.  
"Oh, no, I didn't kill him. I couldn't. It maybe hard to understand but after all he's still my brother. I just taught him a lesson, or at least I hope so".  
"So where is he now?",  
"I don't know, apparently not in this town. But he might come back". He said with a grim expression.  
"So what do you want to watch?" she asked quickly to get his mind on something else.  
"I don't really care. You can pick a movie".

She decided for "The Holiday" a romantic, feel-good movie.  
They both sat down on the couch but Stefan made sure to give Elena enough space so she wouldn't be frightened by his presence.  
It hurt him that it was like this now, it had been so much easier when she hadn't known about him being a vampire.

Elena pressed the "play" button and settled back into the sofa. It was then that she noticed Stefan sitting a little further away than it was normal.  
"_He doesn't want to scare me_", she thought. "_He really tries his best. Why is there still this feeling that tells me to stay away from him?"_

The movie started and for a while non of them said a word.  
After two thirds of the movie Elena felt that her eyelids becoming heavier and heavier.  
She tried to stay a wake but the fact that she already knew this movie and that it was -apart from the tv screen- almost completely dark in the room didn't really help a lot.  
Eventually she just gave in and closed her eyes.

The final credits set in and Stefan turned to Elena when he noticed she was fast asleep. He slid closer to her and softly brushed her cheek. She looked so peaceful when she was asleep, so carefree, without any worries.  
"I wish you didn't know about me being a vampire. I don't want you to be scared of what I am. If you could just believe that I won't hurt you...  
Perhaps it'd be better if I stayed away from you, but I just cant..." he murmured more to himself than really to Elena.  
A moment later he carefully uplifted her and carried her upstairs into her room. He was afraid that he'd wake her up but she remained asleep even when he put her onto her bed and covered her with a blanket.  
She really must've been tired.

Stefan went back into kitchen to clean the dishes and the little mess they had left behind. He had to think about how surprised she had been when she had seen him eating food.  
Somehow it made him smile that she had been so fascinated by it.  
After the kitchen was back in a normal condition so that Jenna wasn't going to die from a heart attack in the morning he grabbed his jacket and decided to go.  
It was already 00:30 am in the morning. Though he didn't really need as much sleep as humans did he still felt pretty tired.

Suddenly he heard Elena screaming upstairs.  
At non-human speed he ran up the stairs and into her room.  
"Noo please don't. Mum! Dad!" she yelled frantically.  
The next second she woke up with tears streaming down her face. In a second he was sitting by her side.  
"Hey Elena, hey, it's alright. It was just a dream".  
She still looked terrified. "It's okay. You're awake now". She looked at him confused and scared.  
"What? What are you doing here?"  
"You fell asleep during the movie and then I took you to bed, I was just about to leave when I heard your scream"  
She looked frustrated now. "Oh no, I did it again".  
"It's not your first nightmare?"  
"No not really", she sighed and got up from her bed.  
"Where are you going?",  
"I need something to drink", she said and went to the bathroom.  
When she came back the tears on her face were gone and she looked much more composed than before.  
"Hey, is everything alright?", he walked towards her and soothingly put a hand on her arm.  
She looked like she was going to say, "yeah everything's fine", but then she finally let her guard down. "I don't know Stefan. It is all just too much to take in.  
I know that they're gone but a part of me still hope's that they're coming back. Doesn't that sound crazy? I need to accept that they are gone..."  
"No Elena no, what you feel is totally normal. You loved them and they have always been a part of your life, you can't just get passed this in a few months.  
Such a loss stays with us so much longer than just a few months", it hurt him to see her in such pain.  
"But I don't want this. I just want to be OK. I want everything to be okay", the tears were dwelling up again in her eyes,  
"Why did that happen to us? What did we do wrong? I want my parents back!", she sobbed under tears.

There were no words he could say to ease her pain. He so much wanted to tell her they'd come back, but you can't bring dead people back to live.  
Not even a vampire could do such a thing.  
He wanted to hold her in her arms, but he didn't know if this was going to make her feel even worse.  
But he didn't need to say something.  
"Can you hold me in your arms for a moment?" she asked with tears still streaming down her face and her body shacking.  
Immediately he gently put his arms around her body and pressed her close to him.  
He didn't let go of her for a long time. She had buried her face into his chest and was crying silently. He stroke over her back and kissed her forehead from time to time.

~***~

A little later she let go of him and they both sat down on her bed. "Thanks Stefan, for looking after me and just being there for me".  
"Anytime." He grabbed her hand and placed a soft kiss on it.  
"Do you want to talk about your parents?" he asked.  
"Not tonight. Maybe another time. You wanna talk about Lexi?".  
He shook his head. "Like you said, maybe another time. Well maybe I should go now. Let you get some sleep".  
"I don't think I wanna go back to bed now. One nightmare is enough for tonight".  
"Don't be afraid". He put his arms around her again and she snuggled up to him. She was much more at ease with him now.  
She softly placed a kiss on his neck and slid closer to him.  
He returned her hug and gave her a kiss on the forehead. Elena looked up at him, his faces was now only inches away from hers. None of them seemed to know what to say or do next.  
Then he slowly leaned closer to her. She could feel her heart racing and she could still hear the little voice inside her head that told her to stay away from him, but this time she didn't listen to it. She just closed her eyes and placed her lips on his. He immediately kissed her back. At first it was a careful, hesitant kiss.  
Then he put a hand on her neck and pressed her body closer to his. They started to kiss each other with more passion, all the carefulness gone. She let out a low sigh when she felt his hot breath on her ear. With one swift movement he laid back on the bed and pulled her on top of him. They looked at each other and she had the feeling that he could see right into her soul.  
"I missed you", he murmured while he caressed her check and started to press kisses on her neck.  
She knew that his teeth were at the most vulnerable part of her body, but she didn't shy away from him. "I missed you too".  
Slowly she pushed up his T-Shirt. With one hand she traced along his chest and admired his well-trained body.  
She looked back into his eyes and saw his wonderful, breathtaking smile.  
"You're so beautiful".  
Stefan took off his shirt and gave Elena another kiss on her exposed neck. She had this perfect smell that he was sure he could pick out of thousands.  
Suddenly he felt his thirst arise inside of him. His eyes turned red and the veins under them became more prominent.  
She felt him holding his breath and not moving an inch anymore.  
"Stefan what's wrong?"  
In less than a second he rolled her down onto the bed and dashed to the other end of her room.  
Now she saw what was going on.

She didn't want to be scared of him but her natural instincts were stronger.  
In panic she flinched away from him to the other end of her bed.  
"Elena, don't! Please, I won't hurt you, you know that". He turned his head away so she didn't have to see his red eyes.  
All the vampire incidents from the last few weeks came to her mind and she couldn't suppress her fear. "Stefan I can't. Please, go!!!".  
He turned his head towards her, his face was almost back to normal now.  
"Elena I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to see this". He started walking towards her.  
"Don't come any closer", she exclaimed and jumped off of her bed to get further away from him.  
With every inch she moved away from him he felt a pain inside of him as if someone shove a knife into his chest.  
"I could never do you any harm! Elena trust me!"  
She saw the pained look on his face and somewhere inside of her she knew that his words were true. But tonight her fear was stronger.  
"Please go. Now!".  
He understood that no matter what he'd say to her, at the moment he couldn't take away her angst.  
"Okay, I'll go. I'm so sorry Elena".  
With that he walked to the door and then closed it behind him.  
He was gone.

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW!! :))**


	4. Chapter 4

She heard the front door shut, so he was really gone. Now she realized what she had just done to him._  
"Being close to me is already so difficult for him and now I twist the knife in the wound. I really shouldn't have freaked out so much!"_

She couldn't stand being in the house any longer. She needed to find him so she could apologize for sending him away.  
Quickly she pulled on some clothes and left the house. Rain had set in so she quickly jogged to her car. Once she was on the road she felt much better, she needed to do something.  
When she arrived at the mansion she saw a faint light coming from one of the windows on the 1st floor.  
That was a good sign.

She rang the doorbell and waited to hear steps coming closer. She now realized that she didn't really know what to tell him exactly and she wasn't sure anymore if he'd listen to her at all._  
'He has every reason to be mad with me_" she thought.  
Still no one had opened the door.  
She rang the bell again, but Stefan didn't come to let her in. She felt tears coming._  
'I cant lose you too. I need you'_.  
Devastated she walked back to the car. She didn't feel like going home where she'd be reminded of what had just happened.

So a few minutes later she found herself driving to mystic falls' cemetery.  
The rain hadn't stopped that's why she was soaked as she reached her parents grave.  
Like every time she read the words that were craved into the stone 'In memory, Grayson Gilbert, Miranda Sommers Gilbert, loving parents'  
and like every time tears ran down her cheeks.

In everyday life when she was occupied with lots of things she didn't feel the loss that much.  
But here at that special place all the grief that she normally suppressed came rushing to the surface.  
With hands cold from the rain she plugged her earphones in and picked the song "Big yellow taxi" from her ipod.  
They had always listened to this song when they were driving in the car together.  
Pictures popped into her head, pictures of a carefree, happy time.  
She started shaking as the tears now streamed hot down her cheeks._  
'I cant go on without you. How could you leave me here all alone. And Jeremy needs you too. I want my family back'_  
she slowly sank down on her knees and sat down in front of her parents grave.  
She didn't care about the wet grass. Right now she didn't even fully feel it.

Elena didn't know how much time had passed, she only knew that the song had replayed itself many many times.  
She looked at her watch, it read 2.15 am. That meant she only had 6 hours of sleep left before her alarm clock would start ringing.  
She pulled herself together and got up from the muddy ground.  
Her eyes burnt from all the crying and now she also felt the cold coming from her wet clothes.  
She needed to change her clothes before she'd get seriously sick. With stiff legs she left the cemetery and walked to her car.  
Once she was in the car the rain became a soft drizzle before it stopped completely.  
"_That figures_", she thought grimly.  
She had planed to drive straight home but as she passed the drive way to Stefan's house she simply had to bend off.  
The light was still on but this time it didn't give her much hope.

Once again she rang the old doorbell.  
"_Stefan please open the door_".  
Nothing happened.  
Crestfallen she sank down to the ground before her tears set in again.

~***~

Suddenly low steps came towards the house. Slowly she picked up her head.  
"Elena what are you doing here?!", it was Stefan. He sounded concerned.  
She didn't know what to say, she was afraid that the wrong word would make him disappear again.  
He stopped a few steps away from her, it was clear that he didn't want to scare her again. Though she was here he didn't know for what reason.  
Maybe it was to say her final goodbye to him.  
Only now he noticed her wet clothes and her slightly shaking frame. It took him all his strength not to sprint to her to take her into his arms.  
"What happened? Are you OK?",  
His voice was slightly shaking at the end.  
"Don't worry about me Stefan", she slowly tried to get up, her legs were shacking now. In one swift movement he was by her side to help her get up.  
Once she was standing safely leaned against the wall he retreated immediately.  
That one touch had been enough to send goosebumps down her spine. His smell was all over her.  
"Stefan I'm here to apologize", she started.

He looked at her in surprise.  
"I don't expect you to forgive me. And I totally understand it if you say that I've hurt you enough and that you don't want to see me again.  
That's more than understandable. But please just let me explain myself".  
She was shaking even more now and it wasn't only due to the cold. She felt so hopeless and broken-hearted.  
"_Maybe this is the last time that I see him. And once he is gone I'm finally all alone and there's no one left to help me get through everything_.", she tried to fight back her tears.  
He shouldn't see her like this.  
He felt so hurt by her pain and he knew that he was the cause of it.  
"I know that I've pushed you away again and again. I'm so sorry that I've been so cruel tonight when I sent you away. ... The fear just came over me.  
Still I should've trust you... Maybe you deserve someone else Stefan", he hadn't said a word, he'd only stared at her in silence. In disbelieve.  
"_He doesn't even have anything left to say to me_", she felt it all crushing down on her.  
She needed to go, she couldn't spend one more moment in his presence with knowing that she'd never be with him again.  
Elena turned around and headed for her car. But before she was any close to the car Stefan's arms were around her and pressed her securely to him.  
"No, please don't go!"  
She didn't try to flee from him. Shes sank down into his arms exhausted.  
"Elena what's wrong?",  
She didn't say anything.  
Then he picked her up and quickly carried her into the house.

He had told himself not to touch her or come any close to her again unless she told him to. But he couldn't leave her out there, could he?  
Once they were inside he carried her up to his room were he carefully placed her on his bed.

"Elena please say something", she looked into his eyes full of concern.

She didn't understand why he had brought her here.  
"I'm OK. Stefan I.. look I'm so sorry and all",  
"Sshh it's fine. Just tell me how long have you been in the cold? You're shaking!", he took both her hands into his to rub them warm.  
"I don't know. I was looking for you, but you didn't open the door. So I went to my parents grave.  
I don't know how long I've been there and then I came to your house. It must've been around 2.30 am".  
It was past 3 am now.  
"But why didn't you go home with your wet clothes? You could've come to me tomorrow".  
"I needed to talk to you first", she simply said.  
"I feel so bad about what I did. And I thought you were home, I saw a light".  
"Oh I think I left it on when I left the house. I'm sorry Elena I didn't expect your visit. And not in the middle of the night".  
"So you didn't open the door because you weren't there and not because it was me who was standing in front of your house?!",  
He looked surprised.  
"No, no, of course not! I'd never do that", he gently stroke her hands and gave her a warm smile.  
She felt much better now that she knew that he still wanted to see her or at least let her explain everything.

"But you have to put these clothes off our you'll get really sick.  
You can have some of mine, OK?", he said while he got up and walked to his wardrobe.  
"And perhaps I should run you a hot bath too so you'll warm up faster".  
He turned around again to Elena and gave her a pile of clothes.  
She already put off her sweater and her shoes.  
"This is really nice of you Stefan, but I can go home too".  
"No no no. Of course you can stay at my house tonight. Even more as this is my fault.  
"I don't think it's your fault, but thank you anyway". She said with a slight smile on her lips.  
"You're more than welcome".

* * *

**I know its not a very long chapter, but I wanted to upload it anyway. I'll try to write more in the next few days :)**

**Hope you all like the story so far, If you have any improvement suggestions or if you enjoy reading it, feel free to click on the green button down here:**


	5. Chapter 5

**_End of the chapter 4:_**

_She felt much better now that she knew that he still wanted to see her or at least let her explain everything._  
_"But you have to put these clothes off our you'll get really sick. You can have some of mine, OK?", he said while he got up and walked to his wardrobe._  
_"And perhaps I should run you a hot bath too so you'll warm up faster"._  
_He turned around again to Elena and gave her a pile of clothes. _  
_She already put off her sweather and her shoes._  
_"This is really nice of you Stefan, but I can go home too"._  
_"No no no. Of course you can stay at my house tonight. Even more as this is my fault._  
_"I don't think it's your fault, but thank you anyway". She said with a slight smile on her lips._  
_"You're more than welcome"._

~***~

He left his room but came back after a few minutes.  
"Here is a towel for you, everything else you need is in the bathroom. Make yourself comfortable and if you should need anything else just call me OK?",  
He gave her a big dark blue towel .  
"Thank you Stefan. I think a hot bath is exactly what I need right now".  
Elena grabbed the towel and their hands touched for a millisecond.  
She looked back into his eyes, he didn't look angry, he had a warm smile on his face.  
"I... I see you later", she said and walked to the bathroom.

When she came back from the bathroom she saw Stefan sitting on his bed with a couple of photos in his hands.  
„How was the bath? You look better now", he said, looking up for a moment.  
„I feel better. Thanks again for everything. That bath was just heavenly", she said with a small smile on her lips.  
She stood in front of his bed and couldn't really decide if she should join him on the bed or better get going, though he had said she could stay.  
„Hey what's wrong? Come, sit down", he said and patted to the other side of the bed.  
He put the photos away, „You said you wanted to talk to me?" , his face was severe as he looked her straight into the eyes.  
„Yes look", hesitantly she sat down on the edge of his bed.  
„I'm sorry for what happened earlier and I don't know why I got so scared, I know it may be hard to believe this now, but I do trust you and",  
at that point he interrupted her abruptly, „Don't be so hard on yourself, it's normal for you to be scared of me,  
I belong to something evil, something that probably shouldn't exist", his voice was a low murmur now.  
„An instinct as old as mankind warned you about me, I can't be angry about this".  
Now she interrupted his prologue, „No Stefan it's not that easy! You are different to ...others of your kind",  
she still had trouble pronouncing the word vampire. „You never gave me any reason to fear you. This was my fault, and don't you interrupt me again",  
she said half smiling as she noticed that he was about to say something.  
„I want to be with you. But I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you. I.. I can't take another loss right now, you know?  
I'm scared to let anybody inside, to get hurt again. It's easier to stay away from everything".  
These were her innermost feelings and she had just put them into words for the first time.  
She put her arms around her knees and her head rested on them now.  
She looked small and fragile.  
„I know what you're feeling. But you can't keep on running from everyone that means something to you, trust me leaving them is more painful",  
she saw a deep sadness in his eyes as he seemed to travel back in time in his mind. „When someone is important to you, it's always worth the risk".  
He gave her an assuring look.  
„Maybe you're right. I just wish I wasn't so scared. I wish everything was still so much easier", her eyes became glassy.  
Slowly Stefan crouched towards her and placed on of his hands on hers.  
„If you let me, I'll be here for you. I promise". A small tear ran down her left cheek.  
„Thank you", she moved closer to him until their bodies touched and he gently put an arm around her shoulder.  
As she was now cradled into his arms and as she could smell his exelent cologne she felt happy and sad at the same time.  
She knew that his words were true and she really wanted to be with him, with all her heart.  
„I'm glad I'm here with you", she whispered into his chest.  
„Me too", he pressed her closer to his body and placed a soft kiss on her head.

After a few minutes they slowly broke apart.  
„What time is it? I feel dead tired", Elena said.  
„Past 4 am. Let's get you some sleep. Just make yourself comfortable",  
he placed a sweet kiss on her cheek, almost touching her lips, before he got up.  
„Have a good night", he said and was about to walk out of his room.  
„Hey don't be silly, that bed is big enough for both of us!".  
Elena said.  
„You sure?",  
She looked around the bed as if to make sure that it was big enough for two people.  
„Yeah pretty sure", she laughed and as he was still not really moving she grabbed one of the pillows and threw it at him.  
„Come on, I'm getting old here".  
With his vampire skills he caught the pillow without even looking at it and was right next to her on the bed in less then a second.  
„Woah that was fast", she said honestly surprised. „I don't wanna fall asleep next to a wrinkeld old lady", he said grinningly.  
„If you start being rude I do have to force you to sleep on the couch after all", Elena countered.  
It was the first time this evening that Stefan saw her actually happy and not so worried. He loved to see her smile, it made him feel good.  
„Okay, okay, I promise, I'll behave", he answered with a smile.  
They both crawled under the covers and Stefan switched off the light.  
For a moment none of them said a word, it was completetly silent in the house. The only sound came from the wind blowing against the windows.  
Elena felt warm and safe here.  
„Stefan?",  
„Mhmm?", he turned his body towards her.  
„You need something?"  
„No, I was just wondering about something. Before you said you didn't want to fall asleep to an old woman or something like that,  
so does that mean that your're... actually sleeping at night?",  
She heard a low chuckle coming from him.  
„Sure, what else is there to do at night?"  
„Haha"  
„Seriously, we can sleep, but we don't need as much sleep as humans do,  
though tonight I'm pretty tired too and I might just fall asleep in the next few minutes", he added grinningly.  
„I hope that's not because of me",  
„Of course not, just had a long day. Hey are you cold?",  
he noticed her shaking very slighltly now.  
„Just a little"  
„Come here", he crouched a little towards her and put an arm around her.  
Quickly she pressed her body next to his.  
„Sleep well", he whispered into her ear.  
„You too", she turned her head and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.  
He squeezed her even closer to his side and let her lay her head on his chest.  
„I'm here for you, love", he murmured half asleep.

A faint light was streaming from the windows into Stefan's bedroom. Slowly Elena woke up.  
Disorientated she rubbed her eyes, sat up and looked around the room before she realized where she was.  
Stefan was sleeping peacefully next to her. He looked so content, without any worries. Elena couldn't help smiling happily at him.  
"He's really asleep, just like a normal person. I wonder what he's dreaming", now that the shadows of the night had disappeared she felt much better  
and all her fear about losing him and about him being a vampire seemed far away...  
But she was still tired, she had no idea how late it was, but it looked like it was still early in the morning, probably shortly after sunset.  
Her head was aching badly so she decided to go back to sleep again. Slowly she lay down again next to Stefan.  
He was breathing evenly and all his sorrows seemed to have completely disappeared.  
"It must be the first time that I see him so carefree. I wish I could take away some of his pain".  
She had to think about his Loss with Lexi. She knew very well what he was feeling but she didn't know what to do to make that feeling go away.  
"Perhaps it's better if we take it slow".  
She kept watching him a little more until he subconciously rolled over to the other side of the bed and put one arm around Elena before he snuggled up close to her.  
She felt his warm body close to hers. Perfectly happy she placed her hand on his and their fingers entwinded automatically.  
With a big smile plastered across her face she took in his perfect scent before sleep took over again and she just fell asleep in his arms.

* * *

Yeah I know it took me ages to update...  
I hope you like this not so dramatic chapter. :)

I don't know if I should continue writing this story or start something now. Anyone still interested in it??


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